4 Tips To Get Rich Quick In Your 20's
Your twenties are always a confusing time since you are stuck between your adolescent teen years, in which you stumble through high school and figure out which scent of Axe body spray you want to overuse, and your viciously unappealing thirties, in which you are practically already dead. In a way, your 20’s are purgatory. And while we know you can’t take your worldly possessions with you to Heaven, no one has ever said the same for purgatory.
Earning money in your 20’s is a challenge because people will never take you seriously. Perhaps an employer has interest in you, but you don’t have the required experience they ask for. Perhaps your resume lacks the necessary buzzwords to attract an employer. Or perhaps you’re like me, and people don’t take you seriously because you dropped out of high school and all you do is post dick jokes on Twitter. Your shortcomings could be anything.
While it may initially seem hard to find an exceptional source of income in your 20’s, it is actually far easier than you probably realize. If you follow these tips, you will be richer than your wildest dreams, and you’ll have plenty of time to spend it all before your inevitable death at age 30.
1. Rob A Bank
Perhaps the most obvious option for you is to rob a bank, since banks are where the money lives. Many people think that robbing a bank is illegal, but that’s just because it is. However, there are some ways to cheat the system and rob banks without breaking the law, which I will outline below:
- Instead of robbing a bank the traditional way — at gunpoint — simply ask the bank clerk for the money in the vault. If you ask nicely enough, they might let you have it.
- Break into the bank overnight. Breaking in is technically illegal, but no one will know since it’s at night, and the cameras and alarms will be sleeping.
- Walk into a bank overplaying a panic and tell your bank clerk that you lost your one million dollars, but you had a warranty on it so they have to replace it.
- Walk into a bank with a top hat and monocle, claiming you are the owner of the bank. Use a believable bank owner name like Bartholomew T. Moneybags or Mr. Monopoly. Realistically, they’d have to let the owner see the money.
If you follow any of these tips, you should be able rob the bank blind. Though if you do get caught, it’s worth noting that these are merely tips; they are not commands. I claim no responsibility for any illegal activities and do not condone them. Wink.
2. Buy a Sword
SCENARIO: You walk into your local sword store. The following interaction plays out:
SWORD SALESMAN: Hello! Welcome to Sword World!
YOU: I would like one of your finest swords, please!
SWORD SALESMAN: Ah, coming right up.
The sword salesman grabs a sword from the sword wall (wall filled with a bunch of swords).
YOU: Do you mind if I hold it first before buying?
SWORD SALESMAN: Not at all! I see no potential problem with letting you hold the weapon before buying it!
YOU: Excellent!
He hands you the sword, and you immediately you feel the power of the sword run through your veins. In this moment, you have all the control. You have the power. You are the God of this sword shop.
YOU: Thanks! Now that I have it, I’m leaving without paying. And I’m telling you this to assert my power. If you try to stop me, I will simply attack you with the sword you just handed me.
SWORD SALESMAN: Ah, well I guess you’ve bested me in this interaction. Enjoy the free sword!
And then you leave with the sword. Admittedly, I don’t know what you’d do with it after that. But you’d have a sword and that’s fucking cool. Also, if the national currency ever converted to swords, you’d be ahead of the curve.
3. Legally Change Your Name To Bill Gates and Hope His Checks Somehow Get Sent to You Instead
Self-explanatory.
4. Intimidate Netflix Into Letting You Pitch A Series To Them
I think it’s finally fair to say that Netflix is officially here to stay, which means that your 20’s will see at least $10 added to your monthly expenses. Although if you’re savvy enough, you could easily pocket that $10 and a little more by trading in your Netflix subscription for a Netflix position. All you have to do is pitch them their next hit Netflix original series.
I can already see the question: “But Will, what if I don’t have any ideas for a successful Netflix original series?” Well, reader, don’t worry. I have already brainstormed a slew of series ideas for you to use. They are listed below:
- A 10-part documentary series on the intricacies of Wendy’s “1 coupon per visit” rule.
- Comedians in Coffee Getting Cars: a game show with comedian contestants in a bafflingly large cup of coffee. If they win, they get a car.
- A teen drama series about the hottest guy in high school, except he’s not actually hot. He just lives in the ugliest town in America.
- A Black Mirror-type show except every episode is about printers because I’m convinced nobody actually knows how to make them fucking work.
- Queer Eye but for giving bed frames to guys in their 20’s and that’s it.
- Just put a bunch of fucking seals in a house and call it The Seal World. Something is bound to happen if we film for long enough.
- Seinfeld 2
If you intend to make money in your 20’s, you’ll have to do it your own way. The actual workforce won’t be kind to you without experience or education or a nice dress shirt to wear to an interview. Don’t wear an old T-shirt with Garfield — except his whiskers are blunts — on it to an interview. That’s what I’ve learned, so I can pass on that little tidbit, too.
If you follow any of these tips, you will be on the surefire path to getting rich. If you follow all of these tips though, you will harness a power never seen before. You will be far more than rich. They will tell the tales of Bill Gates, the sword-wielding bank heist mastermind who also created Seinfeld 2, for ages to come. And to some, legacy is more important than any amount of money you make during your life. However, we all know that’s not actually true and you should try to make as much money as you can. Why have a legacy when you can have millions of dollars and a sword?