Fantasy Drafting The Ultimate Dodgeball Team
The following sentence should never be uttered again: think back to elementary school gym class. Elementary school gym classes were a melting pot of athletic alphas running rampant simply because they could and the less athletic, future-Sufjan Stevens fans trying not to look the alphas in the eye. I’ll let you guess which one I was (HINT: I currently weigh 140 pounds and get inexplicably emotional whenever I see a wasp or think about God).
P.E. was more than just a melting pot however; it also introduced us to two core foundations of life, both of which would stay equally prominent throughout everyones’ developmental years: crippling anxiety about how you’re perceived by your peers and dodgeball. I hope you guys don’t think less of me for this, but only dodgeball is pertinent to the rest of this article.
I don’t know much about dodgeball on a professional level, but I’m irrationally confident that I could construct the perfect dodgeball team using my limitless inteligence (EDITOR’S NOTE: intelligence has two L’s). I don’t even know how many players are on a professional dodgeball team but for the sake of brevity and bit-sanctity, I will say there are five because I truly believe no one will be able to tell me otherwise. If you actually know how many players are on a team, stop reading right now because you’re late for dodgeball practice.
As with all things in life, the team will be made up of five different roles: The Defender, The Attacker, The Captain, The Dodger, and The Wildcard.
THE DEFENDER: Kirby
STATS
Height: lil’
Weight: ∞
Skill: sucking up every ball thrown like a rotund, pink vacuum
A good general rule of thumb is if you’re building any sort of squad, you always need a Kirby. This applies to sports, businesses, friend groups, and the military. Defending the country wouldn’t be Kirby’s only defensive strong suit though, as he would also be a vital defender on a professional dodgeball team.
In dodgeball, if the ball is thrown and caught, the throwing player is officially eliminated and unofficially shamed. Kirby could easily suck up each and every ball the other team throws with minimal damage to his internal organs. Regulation dodgeballs are made of foam. Kirby has eaten gods. He’ll be fine.
Also, Kirby could also probably double as a ball if we absolutely had to use him. I’m sure he’d be down for it. It’s Kirby.
THE ATTACKER: A Trebuchet
STATS
Height: 15 meters (Please don’t ask me how many feet that is, I truly have no fucking clue)
Weight: depends on how many stones you put in it
Skill: self-explanatory
Trebuchets are notoriously hard to find in this non-medieval day and age, but I think that’s mostly because I just haven’t seen a trebuchet store yet. With that said, I’m sure that I would be able to find one for my dodgeball team. If nothing else, I could post a Craigslist ad searching for one. I’m sure that the type of person who casually browses Craigslist is also the type of person who owns a trebuchet.
The trebuchet’s purpose in medieval combat was simple: launch a rock so far and so hard that it would destroy the walls of a castle. The trebuchet’s purpose in professional dodgeball will be even simpler: throw the ball really fucking hard.
THE CAPTAIN: Vince Vaughn
STATS
Height: 6'5"
Weight: 209 lbs
Skill: having the experience necessary to lead the team to a league championship
Vince Vaughn brings the experience and pedigree befitting a great captain. He — ah, fuck this. I don’t want to pick Vince Vaughn at all. I just don’t like looking at his face. I don’t know how to explain it, but Vince Vaughn looks like a foot. I can’t have a guy that looks like a foot on my dodgeball team, no matter how much experience he brings. I have to replace him with someone — or something — else.
THE (REAL) CAPTAIN: A Bear.
STATS
Height: 6'5"
Weight: 600 lbs
Skill: not being Vince Vaughn
Yeah, fuck Vince Vaughn. I’d rather have a bear on my professional dodgeball team. Much like Vince Vaughn, the bear is 6'5" and much unlike Vince Vaughn, the bear is fucking cool as hell.
The strategy of putting a bear on the court (field?) is pretty clear. What’s the other team gonna do, throw at a bear? I highly doubt it. Sure, you can try to throw a ball at the bear, but do you really think the bear will just be chill with that? Do you really think a bear comprehends the unparalleled intricacies of dodgeball. Hell, be honest: do you think a bear even understands the ins-and-outs of the law? You think a bear knows what manslaughter is? You probably shouldn’t throw at it just to be safe.
The bear will be the physically imposing stalwart of the team, serving more as a reminder than an actual player —for the other team, a reminder to not throw at the bear and to everyone else, a reminder of how successful anything can be if you simply don’t choose Vince Vaughn for it.
THE DODGER: Mrs. Incredible
STATS
Height: 5'4"
Weight: too rude to ask
Skill: stretching around the field of play and also texting me
Mrs. Incredible may not be my wife, but I think that’s simply because she hasn’t met me yet. Recruiting her for my professional dodgeball team would not only be super cool and sexy of me, but it would also probably get me her phone number. I could contact her and let her know when the next game is or maybe invite her to dinner or maybe even send her a flirty message and then say my brother actually sent it. Man, that would be incredible. She must have a phone number, right?
In the games themselves, Mrs. Incredible could have almost as much value to the team as she would to me. Mrs Incredible’s super power causes her to be able to contort seamlessly around the battlefield like a malleable, beautiful, slithery, sexy little worm. This would be the perfect super power for the fast-paced game of dodgeball and would also allow her to easily maneuver amongst her larger teammates which include a bear and a trebuchet.
THE WILDCARD: Anyone With A Gun
STATS
Height: doesn’t matter
Weight: doesn’t matter
Skill: having a gun
I haven’t read the entire dodgeball rulebook, but throughout the page-and-a-half that I did read, there was no rule against having a player with a gun. It is probably safe to assume that would continue through the rest of the rulebook. I’m not a gun advocate in the slightest, but I am an advocate for doing whatever it takes to win a dodgeball game. If that means smuggling a gun into the game, then so be it.
There is nothing more intimidating than seeing someone with a gun, except of course for seeing someone with a medieval trebuchet. Our team will have both. This will make our team the fiercest team in the league, no matter who has their finger on the trigger.
Come to think of it, the only way Vince Vaughn would be allowed on the team is if he brought a gun (and based on his politics, it’s definitely in the realm of possibilities already). Vince Vaughn with a gun would not only be a threat to the opposing team, but also to me because I said he looked like a foot earlier. I’m sure people have been shot for a lot less before.
If assembled correctly, a dodgeball team could rival God in terms of raw, unrivaled power. My dodgeball team wouldn’t just rival God, but it could pretty handily usurp God. Kirby alone has killed Gods before, and he’s never even been paired with Mrs. Incredible. Our power will be unlimited.
The opposing teams can try as hard as they want to defeat us. The referees can try as hard as they want to suppress us. The simple fact is that we are above rules and above laws — state and holy. Our dodgeball team has a bear and a gun. Fuck it, we might even just give the gun to the bear! Why not?
My dodgeball team is destined to be undefeated and perhaps even be unopposed. I wouldn’t blame the other teams for forfeiting games upon seeing the dodgeball-equivalent of The Avengers standing across from them. In fact, I actively encourage them to forfeit. That would just give me more time to wax poetically to Mrs. Incredible, building a beautiful, incredible relationship with a strength rivaled only by the strength of the team itself. Also, a forfeit would be cool because I don’t know how long I could keep the bear from killing everybody.