Fictional Characters, Real Virgins
Let’s face it: whenever we watch a movie, we are susceptible to slipping into our subconscious, thus allowing our minds to drift to whatever previously-untouched corner it wants to. As humans, we usually have one specific topic that always lingers somewhere in our mind: sex. Will I ever have sex again? If so, when will I have sex? Has that person three rows down from me in this theater ever had sex? Are they good at sex? Am I good at sex? Have the characters in this movie I’m watching had sex? These are all questions we all ask ourselves at almost every second of the day.
While we may ask ourselves “Have the characters in this movie ever had sex?” perhaps it is more important to ask “Have the characters in this movie not had sex?” Upon asking myself this question, I was able to conjure up a list of nine fictional characters that are — without a shadow of a doubt — total virgins.
Ned Schneebly (School of Rock)
Before getting into the character itself, let’s talk about the name. Imagine you match with a guy on Tinder named Ned. There’s nothing inherently alarming about that, right? You talk to Ned for a week or so, and you guys really hit it off. You agree to go get lunch on Friday, which would be your first “date” since the big breakup over a year ago. You’re nervous, but Ned reassures you it will be okay. Ned seems to be a good guy, and you trust him. Why wouldn’t you? So, you show up to the restaurant, and Ned is already sitting at a table. You approach him and greet him. He is friendly and courteous, immediately standing up and pulling your chair out for you to sit. The date itself goes well. You guys continue to develop the relationship you’ve built over the past week. At the end of the date, Ned says he will pay for your meal. Despite your numerous attempts to decline his generous offer, you finally give in. The waitress comes by, and as Ned opens up his wallet, his driver’s license falls out. You catch a glimpse of his name before he has time to sweep it off the table: Ned Schneebly. In no world would you ever become Mrs/Mr. Schneebly. With zero hesitation, you flee the scene and block his number.
Also, the character sucks.
Thomas The Tank Engine (Thomas & Friends)
There are many things you can point to when identifying why Thomas The Tank Engine is a virgin. You can point to his eyes, which see through your skin and straight to your flesh. There’s also his clay-like face that seems to have been put on a train by the same doctor (not a virgin) who conducted The Human Centipede (also not a virgin) experiments. However, I point to something else. I don’t know much about trains — and I’ve never claimed to — but one of the few things I do know is that trains do not have genitalia. Therefore, Thomas The Tank Engine has never had sex. And unlike the other entries on this list, it is guaranteed that he will never have sex. Thomas has to know this, which makes his unfading smile all the more unnerving.
Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)
I know what you’re thinking: Beetlejuice definitely fucks. And you’re right. Beetlejuice fucks, but hear me out:
Beetlejuice is dead. That’s his whole thing. He’s a dead guy who gets rid of the living. In the movie, Beetlejuice is a corpse throughout the whole film, and it is clear that he is charismatic and powerful. There’s even a scene in the movie where Beetlejuice enters a gentleman’s club with “XXX” written in neon lights, which I tried to find on Google Images. Pro tip: do not Google “Beetlejuice XXX.” So considering all of this, we can infer that Beetlejuice fucks. But this all happens while he is dead. We have no way of knowing who Beetlejuice was when he was alive.
My guess is that he was the opposite of who he is when he’s dead. He had absolutely no charisma and no power whatsoever. He was a complete nobody. He got average grades in school, but he never did any extracurricular activities. He got into a community college and dropped out after his freshman year to follow a job his uncle told him about. He began working in a local warehouse and worked there until the age of 40, when the company he worked for went under. Throughout his 40’s, Alive Beetlejuice drank compulsively and even lived out of his car for a while. He was eventually able to find another job being a pizza delivery driver, which he did until one especially cruel winter. Alive Beetlejuice carried his weird, big bag that keeps pizza hot up to a house that had more steps leading up to it than windows. He carefully made his way up the steep, icy steps, but when he reached the top, the hot pizza bag fell from his hands. As it fell, Alive Beetlejuice shot his hands out in an attempt to catch it. However, this completely threw off his balance, and he slipped on the final step. He fell backwards, hitting every step on the way down. He did not survive, making this an unceremonious end to an unceremonious life. Alive Beetlejuice was a virgin, but Dead Beetlejuice definitely fucks.
Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)
Buzz Lightyear is total narc, and we all know narcs don’t fuck.
Steve (Minecraft)
Steve from Minecraft is mayonnaise, if mayonnaise was a bunch of connected blocks. Ironically, the man has no game. The irony there is because he’s from a video game. I hope you guys got that joke. But seriously, think about it. You never hear Steve say a word. All he does is grunt, which is not an effective dating strategy. Imagine a dude that looks like Steve approaching a woman at the bar and just grunting incoherently. That woman is going to walk away 100% of the time. Steve could never land someone with his complete lack of game, making it embarrassingly obvious that he’s a virgin.
Todd Alquist (Breaking Bad)
Todd from Breaking Bad is a total fuck who does not fuck. Seriously, fuck Todd. It has nothing to do looks; Jesse Plemons isn’t an unattractive fellow. This is purely based off of Todd’s personality. I know he’s a virgin because nobody is that big of an asshole if they’ve had sex before. The shit Todd does — FOR LITERALLY NO REASON — just screams “I have never experienced sexual intercourse before!” The dude radiates this sense of insecurity that he masks by LITERALLY JUST SHOOTING WHOEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. FUCK TODD, AND I’M GLAD NOBODY HAS EVER FUCKED TODD.
Marlin (Finding Nemo)
Yes, Marlin has his life pretty well put-together. Yes, Marlin is clearly incredibly caring. Yes, Marlin has a son. But none of that specifically means he isn’t a virgin. I could argue my point for eternity, but I’m gonna be honest: I have no idea how fish reproduce, and I refuse to look it up after the Beetlejuice thing. I have no clue if fish fuck, but I feel like they don’t. Therefore, I feel comfortable calling Marlin — who spent all of Finding Nemo trying to find his son — a virgin.
Waluigi (Mario Franchise)
Close your eyes. Picture your perfect man: he’s tall, he’s thin, he has sharp facial features. Open your eyes: it’s Waluigi. Waluigi is the man of your dreams. Sure, he’s not the most trustworthy guy. He’s been known to bend the rules here or there, but physically, Waluigi is an absolute catch. While Waluigi should definitely fuck, there is one thing that stands in his way: Nintendo.
For some goddamn reason, Nintendo despises Waluigi even though he has done nothing wrong besides a lot of things! Nintendo continues to neglect him, casting him aside as a throwaway in new installments of games he was once a part of. He’s not even an ugly stepchild at this point. He’s the kid down the street that your parents tell you not to hang out with because “he’s up to no good.” Meanwhile, all he does is just is just play outside by himself all day. He’s lonely. He wants friends. He’s not doing anything wrong. You have to feel bad for Waluigi because it’s not his fault he’s a virgin; it’s Nintendo’s fault. Despite all of our cries to devirginize Waluigi, Nintendo still won’t let him Smash.
Wario (Mario Franchise)
Wario is not a virgin. I want to make that clear. I just wanted to include him to show what can happen when Nintendo actually cares for a character. Wario clearly fucks. Look at him. Look in his eyes. Wario fucks.
Santa Claus (Every Christmas Movie Pretty Much)
We’ve been told Santa Claus is this ageless, wondrous old man who brings us gifts every Christmas Eve. But what about every other day throughout the year? Sure, he has a wife, but he has no kids. He has a bunch of elves that work for him, but there’s no way those are his kids. If they are, I truly feel sorry for Mrs. Claus. However, I am confident saying Santa does not fuck. He never has. He has no interest in it because he only has one interest: Christmas. Santa is not a religious man, so it has nothing to do with abstinence. He simply is too enthralled with Christmas to ever think about anything else. From December 26th until December 23rd the following year, Santa is counting the days until Christmas comes. He sits inside his house, staring at the calendar. He barely sleeps. Mrs. Claus can’t do anything, despite her repeated efforts. “Come to bed, Santa. Please. I’m worried!” she cries. He never responds. He never will. He’s a shell of a man, a vacuous corpse that turns on his “Jolly” switch for two days a year: Christmas Eve and Christmas. Mrs. Claus never even gets to see this side of Santa because he works all day and night during Christmas. Frankly, she deserves better. Santa is a virgin by choice. Mrs. Claus is a virgin by association. We have to get her out. We have to help her.
Of course, none of the above applies to Billy Bob Thornton’s “Bad Santa,” which obviously fucks.
