Redrafting the 2019 NBA Draft, Based Solely Off of Players’ Names
Thursday was the 2019 NBA Draft, and it was a star-studded affair — at least for the first fifteen minutes or so. The league ushered in the probable face of the next generation of the NBA with Zion Williamson. One of the league’s most popular teams finally (again) got a potential star when the Knicks drafted RJ Barrett. And of course, nobody wanted to draft Bol Bol because they were afraid of the spiderweb on his jacket.
But if the internet has taught me anything, it’s never too early to try to completely reverse reality. Redrafting NBA drafts has never been more popular, and I believe the 2019 class is ripe to be redrafted. But anyone can do a redraft based off of the raw athletic ability and skill that it takes to actually play in the league. It takes someone truly special to be able to redraft based off something entirely meaningless to the sport itself: players’ names.
So without further ado, I am proud to present the first pick in the 2019 NBA Name Draft:
- Quinndary Weatherspoon (SG, Mississippi State)
I’ve never watched Downton Abbey, so I can’t guarantee that there’s a character named Quinndary Weatherspoon on the show. However, it’s probably safe to assume that Quinndary Weatherspoon was named after a Downton Abbey character named Quinndary Weatherspoon.
2. Bol Bol (C, Oregon)
Despite completely free-falling in the real 2019 NBA Draft, Bol Bol ascended the ranks in the 2019 NBA Name Draft and deservedly so. Bol Bol is gonna be a massive distraction on the court, both because of his size and shot blocking ability, and because if someone yells “Ball! Ball!” the opponent might mistakenly look at Bol Bol, leading to an inevitable turnover due to miscommunication
3. Admiral Schofield (SF, Tennessee)
The more you find out about Admiral Schofield, the more you start to love Admiral Schofield. Aside from the obviously incredible name, Admiral was born in London. His father was in the military, which explains both his name and his place of birth. Also, Admiral has a brother named O’Brien Schofield, who won a Super Bowl with the Seattle Seahawks. Last but not least, his AAU coach was named Dickey Simpkins. If this was a draft based off of dudes I would just want to sit down and have a conversation with, Admiral Schofield would probably be the first pick.
4. Goga Bitadze (C, Georgia)
I am a massive Pacers fan. Admittedly, when the Pacers drafted Goga Bitadze with the 18th pick, I furiously exclaimed, “Who the fuck is Goga Bitadze!?” But as those words came out of my mouth, I felt an inexplicable satisfaction. I didn’t know what else to do, so I just said it again. “Goga Bitadze.” Despite my intense rage regarding the pick, I couldn’t help but smile. Even if Goga is an absolutely horrendous NBA player, at least I get to say the name “Goga Bitadze” for the next couple years.
5. Chuma Okeke (SF, Auburn)
God, I wish the Pacers drafted Chuma Okeke instead. It’s so much more fun to say. I changed my mind. Chuma is the fourth pick now. Goga is fifth. Just a note to the editor: switch those two picks.
6. Jordan Bone (PG, Tennessee)
I mean, come on.
7. Tyler Herro (SG, Kentucky)
Tyler Herro is so close to being the most marketable man in all of sports. While his name is still very ad-friendly, if he somehow dropped an ‘R’ from his last name, he would instantly be on every billboard, every poster, and every magazine in the country. You can see the headlines now: “Fall of a Hero: What the Hell Ever Happened to Tyler Hero?”
8. Ja Morant (PG, Murray State)
As the second pick in the “real” NBA Draft, Ja Morant’s legacy is building itself already. The incredible thing about Ja is that the name he has chosen is already really good. “Ja Morant” has an immediately identifiable, unique ring to it. It’s as if that could only be his name, but the thing is: that isn’t his name. It’s his nickname. Ja’s government name is Temetrius Jamel Morant.
Imagine getting your ankles broken by a guy who sounds like he’s named after a Transformer. If Ja went by Temetrius, he could have matched — or exceeded — his position in the actual draft, in the name draft.
9. Jarrett Culver (SG, Texas Tech)
Despite being the sixth pick in the NBA Draft, Jarrett Culver has the potential to be one of the most slept-on, underrated picks in the game. This is not unlike his surname’s namesake: Culver’s.
Culver’s has the potential to be one of the most slept-on, underrated fast food chains in the game. Typically, I am not a fan of cheeseburgers because beef can easily irritate my easily-irritable bowels. However, I am always willing to make this sacrifice if it involves scarfing down a Cheddar Butterburger from Culver’s. But I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way you go to Culver’s and just get a Butterburger. What else do you get? Well my friend, that’s where the cheese curds come in. Say what you will about cheese curds, but they are a consistently solid side item, and they should be served at far more establishments. They are one of the leading reasons that Culver’s is so ahead of the rest of its competition.
10. Bruno Fernando (C, Maryland)
Having two first names can either be a blessing — as is Bruno Fernando’s case — or a curse — as is the case of some players further down in this draft. Luckily for Bruno, he was given two names that would be great individually, but they are even better because they’re together. The only way Bruno could have gone any higher in this draft is if he was named Fernando Bruno, which according to howmanyofme.com, there are only eleven people in the U.S. named Fernando Bruno. To my knowledge, none of those eleven have declared for the NBA Draft. Yet.
11. Tremont Waters (PG, LSU)
When you’re driving
Toward the lane
When you are dunking the ball
You will jam them all
I’m on your team
When time runs out
And fans just can’t be found
Like a Bridge over Tremont Waters
He will throw it down.
12. Rui Hachimura (PF, Gonzaga)
If there was ever an NBA player who could seamlessly be added to Ducktales, it would be Rui Hachimura. Perhaps he could be a long-lost brother of Dewey, Louie, and Huey, and they find him while they embark on their most harrowing adventure yet: going to a Washington Wizards game. Of course, the only real plot hole would be the fact that the ducks are maybe a foot tall, and Rui Hachimura is 6'9". So, the only plot hole would be a 6'9" plot hole.
13. Nassir Little (SF, UNC)
Now this is fun: Nassir Little is 6'7", 220 pounds. They should’ve called him Nassir Big instead! I don’t know. It’s hard to do this. I have 47 more players to go through. Do you know how many that is? That’s a lot. That’s forty-seven. I’ll figure it out though. Don’t worry.
14. Alen Smailagić (C, Santa Cruz Warriors)
Alen Smailagic gets massive points for having a name that sounds so similar to “snail magic,” but he also gets a massive deduction of points for not actually being named “Alen Snail Magic.”
15. Zion Williamson (PF, Duke)
The clear-cut number one pick in the NBA Draft tragically falls just outside of the lottery in the Name Draft. On the surface, Zion Williamson is an incredibly unremarkable name. Though if you dig a little deeper below the surface, you will find that the alternate pronunciation of Zion — Zy-on — could make Zion a far more interesting name in the league. Maybe not one befitting a superstar, but one that would fit an uber athletic combo forward who is built like a vending machine with a 40-inch vertical.
16. KZ Okpala (SF, Stanford)
We have officially reached the second half of the first round, which means I’m running out of content. There’s only so many things you can say about names. According to Basketball Reference, KZ is the first “KZ” in league history. So that’s cool. I think? I don’t know. I don’t wanna do all of these players anymore.
17. Sekou Doumbouya (PF, France)
I’m not sure if Sekou Doumbouya’s name is said during the breakdown in Korn’s “Freak on a Leash,” but if I find out it is, I will update this article. I’m also not sure if that would raise or lower Sekou’s position in the draft. This makes Sekou — and Korn — the ultimate wildcard(s).
18. Justin Wright-Foreman (PG, Hofstra)
In another life, Justin Wright-Foreman is applying to be a supervisor on various construction sites, and employers are scrambling to call him in for an interview because his resume says “The Wright-Foreman for the job!” He might be making more money in that life than he is playing basketball in this one.
19. Jaylen Hands (PG, UCLA)
Jaylen Hands averaged over 1 steal per game during his college career, so the last name “Hands” is incredibly fitting. Hands is a great basketball name, though he will still have to prove he can steal the ball at an NBA level. If he succeeds, he will be an absolute darling for commentators around the league to get their one-off jokes about his last name that they are certainly the only ones to ever think of.
I want to add that the last three point guards drafted out of UCLA have had the last names “Hands” “Holiday” and “Ball,” which are all top-tier last names.
20. Matisse Thybulle (SF, Washington)
Matisse, though from Arizona, spent seven years of his childhood in Australia. I will pay for an Australian to say the name “Matisse Thybulle.” I do not have a lot of money, but I will shell out whatever I need to in order to make this happen. Imagine Matisse’s teachers in Australian School taking roll call like “Kangaroo Jack? Egg Boy? Matisse Thybulle?” I really don’t know anything about Australia.
There are only 10 picks left in the first round, and this is already considerably longer than I expected it to be, wanted it to be, and honestly, it’s probably longer than it should be. So for the next slew of picks, I am going to speed through them. Most of these names are nice, dependable names. I just have nothing really of note to say about them.
21. Marcos Louzada Silva (SF, Brazil)
22. Nickeil Alexander-Walker (SG, Virginia Tech)
23. Luka Samanic (PF, Slovenia)
24. Ty Jerome (PG, Virginia)
25. Romeo Langford (SG, Indiana)
26. Dewan Hernandez (PF, Miami)
27. Cam Reddish (SF, Duke)
28. Jaxson Hayes (C, Texas)
29. Nicolas Claxton (PF, Georgia)
30. Darius Bazley (SF, Princeton HS)
Thankfully, that marks the end of the first round, which means I am officially…halfway through…Oh, God.
Anyhow, here’s a bunch of the names that I cannot pronounce and won’t even try to, as to not make a fool out of myself:
31. Mfiondu Kabengele (C, Florida State)
32. Ignas Brazdeikis (SF, Michigan)
33. Miye Oni (SG, Yale)
34. Marial Shayok (SG, Iowa State)
35. Vanja Marinkovic (SG, Serbia)
36. Deividas Sirvydis (SF, Lithuania)
Okay, I got those ones out of the way without making a fool out of myself. I think. I hope. Now, we’re at the part in the second round where people officially stop caring, and even though I stopped caring while writing this a long time ago, this is the part that will really drive the point home.
This next section of players is completely unremarkable. Their names are the equivalent of a roll of paper towels. Not one of those rolls with cute little textures either. These upcoming players’ names are plain, rough rolls of paper towels.
37: RJ Barrett (SG, Duke)
38. Deandre Hunter (SF, Virginia)
I am currently writing a thriller in which Deandre Jordan goes on a crime spree across the league, on which he steals the rims from every arena. The league scrambles to replace them, but Deandre just steals them again when they’re replaced. They threaten legal action against him, but it doesn’t slow him down. Deandre Jordan is a dead-set on his goal of stealing every rim in the world, and the NBA only has one way to solve this: they have to hire someone to track Deandre down and make him pay for his crimes. They have to hire the Deandre Hunter.
39. Coby White (PG, UNC)
40. Darius Garland (PG, Vanderbilt)
41. Cam Johnson (SG, UNC)
42. Brandon Clarke (PF, Gonzaga)
43. Dylan Windler (SF, Belmont)
44. PJ Washington (PF, Kentucky)
45. Carsen Edwards (PG, Purdue)
46. Kevin Porter Jr (SG, USC)
47. Keldon Johnson (SF, Kentucky)
48. Jordan Poole (SG, Michigan)
49. Daniel Gafford (C, Arkansas)
50. Eric Paschall (PF, Villanova)
51. Jaylen Nowell (SF, Washington)
52. Isaiah Roby (SF, Nebraska)
53. Terance Mann (SF, Florida State)
54. Jarrell Brantley (SF, Charleston)
55. Jalen McDaniels (PF, San Diego State)
There are only five picks left in the 2019 Name Draft, and these last five are truly the bottom of the barrel, in terms of names. Once again, I want to acknowledge that this is purely based off their names and not their basketball ability. All of these guys could easily demolish me in a game of one-on-one. I would get my three points, though. That’s a guarantee, but it’s also a guarantee that I couldn’t beat anyone on this list in a game of basketball.
56. Cody Martin (SF, Nevada)
As mentioned with Bruno Fernando, having two first names can be a blessing or a curse. With Cody Martin, it is an absolute abomination. If you’re going to have two first names, they have to be good first names. Cody and Martin simply do not even come close to making the cut as “good names,” and the fact that they are stuck together in this scenario is disgusting.
57. Justin James (SG, Wyoming)
See above.
58. Grant Williams (PF, Tennessee)
We have had forty-five presidents of the United States, and bewilderingly, not a single one has been named Grant Williams. Not even one of the random ones in the 1800’s. I know this because I Googled “Grant Williams President,” and I didn’t get any results. That is hard to believe because Grant Williams is undoubtedly the name of a United States president, either past or possibly future. Maybe if this whole “basketball” thing doesn’t work out for Grant, he could have a future in politics…
59. Kyle Guy (SG, Virginia)
Kyle Guy is not a good name, but I have to be honest: that’s not the reason he’s so low in this draft. Kyle Guy is from the same city as me, and he is only a year older than me. The reason he is so low on this list is because he serves as a reminder for me that I have amounted to nothing in life thus far, and it’s not because of my surroundings or my location; it’s because of me. Kyle Guy is this low on the list because I take his success personally. He was an instrumental part of leading his Virginia team to a national championship and now, he is going to make millions playing basketball professionally in the state of California.
Meanwhile, I woke up at 1:18 PM today and couldn’t decide if I wanted to go back to sleep or lay around and look at my phone for another hour. Miraculously, I chose to go back to sleep and then when I woke up again, I laid around and looked at my phone for an hour.
60. Talen Horton-Tucker (SF, Iowa State)
For me, the last pick in this draft was always a no-brainer. The name “Talen Horton-Tucker” is absolutely confounding; everything about it is almost normal, but it’s off-putting enough to raise questions. Talen Horton-Tucker sounds like a name from another reality, and it is completely normal there. But somehow, he crossed over into our timeline and we all just pretend to accept Talen Horton-Tucker as something that someone in our timeline came up with. But we shouldn’t accept it, we should investigate it. Talen Horton-Tucker might have been sent here specifically to warn us of something.
And with the announcement of the sixtieth pick in the draft, I am happy to say that the 2019 NBA Name Draft has officially concluded. From obvious top-5 picks like Admiral Schofield to generic second rounders like Coby White, everyone has been redrafted in a more fitting position than they were on Thursday. Hopefully, this can lead to NBA scouts putting more stock into players’ names, instead of their skill on the court alone. I believe that in basketball, skill only makes up about 10% of a player. The other 90% is their name because you can’t talk about their skill without mentioning their name first.
Say what you will about the rookies in this draft class, but they certainly had names.
