Should I Buy A PS5 With My $499.99 Or Should I Buy One Of These Five Things

I don’t mean to brag, but I have always been known to be a man of extraordinary wealth. I have been known to have a net worth of double, triple, and — after my stimulus check hit — even quadruple digits. So clearly, money has never been much of a real hindrance for me. However, how I spend that money has caused a bit of a dilemma for me, especially recently.

I know I said previously that I don’t mean to brag but now, I fully intend to brag: I have $499.99 in my bank account right now which for a lot of people may seem like an abundance of money, but for me? Well, that’s just how much I have in my bank account right now. The dilemma lies here: in less than two weeks, the new PlayStation 5 will be releasing and I am a proud and true gamer, as all rich men are. The PS5’s price will be exactly 499.99, and I would love to buy it, but there’s just so many other things that I could get for the same price. I will lay each option out ahead, and weigh its appeal versus the Playstation.

And before anyone points it out, I realize that tax is a thing for most people but I have been able to avoid paying taxes on everything through a process of what the police call intimidation. So, I will not pay more than 499.99 for any of these items.

PS5: $499.99 | 62 LARGE ONE-TOPPING PIZZAS FROM PAPA JOHNS: $496

For $499.99, I could get just one PS5 which isn’t bad. But it gets a little worse when you consider that for the same price, I could get sixty-two large, one-topping pizzas from Papa Johns [CARRYOUT ONLY, AVAILABLE AT SELECT LOCATIONS].

So immediately you can point out one major difference between the two: you cannot eat the PS5, or at least that feature hasn’t been confirmed yet. But in fairness, you can’t play video games on sixty-two large, one-topping pizzas from Papa Johns, or at least that feature hasn’t been confirmed yet. But if you put a gun to my head — which I wouldn’t particularly encourage, but I certainly wouldn’t discourage either — and ask me which option I’d rather spend my $499.99 on, I would simply answer with this: I’m going to find out if you can eat a PS5.

PS5: $499.99 | “REAPERS RIDE” ELECTRIC ANIMATED HALLOWEEN PROP: $499.99

I have a perfect little endtable that would be more than enough room to fit a PS5 on. It already has my PS4, Xbox One, and Nintendo Switch on it. I call it The Gamer Corner™. So I would have no problem finding room for the PS5.

The “Reapers Ride” Electric Animated Halloween Prop though? I have no fucking clue where I would put that. It stands at seven feet tall, which is only four inches taller than me, and you have no way to disprove that online. It would be too tall for any room in my home, and I couldn’t put it outside for the fear that it would summon more “Reapers Ride” Electric Animated Halloween Props and they would form some type of cavalry and rise up against humanity.

Also, if the PS5 is edible, it would be much easier to eat than the Reapers Ride Electric Animated Halloween Prop.

PS5: $499.99 | DOLL COLLECTION 3 OLD DOLLS 1920S 5 HORSMAN DOLLS STILL IN THEIR BOX: $450

No.

PS5: 499.99 | 24 PACKS OF NIKE SOCKS (6pk): $480

Look, I really need socks. Twenty-four packs of six socks each would amount to 144 socks, and I swear to God that’s still not enough socks for me. I don’t know what it is, but I lose every pair of socks I buy, and I’m starting to believe there is a conspiracy against me formed by some type of anti-sock coalition.

Of course this all raises an interesting, currently unknown question: can you wear the PS5 like a sock? It’s worth noting that none of the previous Playstations have been able to worn as socks, but that doesn’t mean the fifth installment won’t double as a sock. I’m sure that if you open the disc tray wide enough, you could put your foot inside of it but it’d probably function more as a shoe than a sock. But honestly, what’s the difference between a sock and shoe?

Google defines a shoe as “a covering for the foot, typically made of leather, having a sturdy sole and not reaching above the ankle.” Google defines a sock as “a garment for the foot and lower part of the leg, typically knitted from wool, cotton, or nylon.” The use of “typically” eliminates the necessity of specific material to define a sock. So hypothetically, a sock could be made of a durable, thick plastic. So I could buy 24 pairs of socks for $480 or I could buy one really cool sock that plays video games and looks epic for $499.99. That’s a no-brainer.

PS5: 499.99 | 2 USED PS4’S: $450

Two is better than one. We know this because people say it a lot and also two is a bigger number than one. Two is — mathematically — one better than one. So instead of buying a PS5, I could simply buy two PS4’s and if I combined them, I’d have a PS8, which is three better than the PS5. Eight is better than five.

I’m not entirely sure how I would combine the PS4’s though. Perhaps I could tape them together, stacked on one-another like a clumsy, far-more-expensive Jenga tower. Perhaps I could rip one open and shove the other console inside. Perhaps if I put them in an oven or some sort of gaming kiln, they would meld together into one console. The method wouldn’t matter because no matter what, the outcome would be greater than the PS5.

Despite the undeniable superiority two PS4’s would have over one PS5, it would be significantly harder to eat two PS4’s in comparison to just one PS5, so the PS5 still gets an advantage here.