The Best Halloween Movies To Die In

The worst part about being a character in a scary movie is the fact that you will almost certainly die by the end of the movie. The best part about being a character in a scary movie is the fact that you will almost certainly die by the end of the movie. It’s obviously not easy to accept this fate, but it can certainly be made easier by the environment in which you die. It’s October 3rd, which means it’s almost Halloween, so I decided to consider which Halloween movies would be the best to die in. Each entry will be rated on a scale of one-to-five pumpkins, with one pumpkin meaning it would be awful to die in the movie. Five pumpkins means it is desirable to die in the movie. You guys get it. The more pumpkins there are, the more I want to die.

A Nightmare On Elm Street

They should call him Freddy Krue-gore.

As someone who lives in the midwest, one of my biggest fears is dying in the midwest. According to Google, A Nightmare on Elm Street is a movie that takes place in the midwest. That means that if you die in A Nightmare on Elm Street, you’re laid to rest in the midwest, which is already bad enough. It doesn’t help that you’re being killed by Freddy Krueger, a man (?) who wears a striped sweater, a fedora, and leather gloves. Freddy Krueger is both a fashion nightmare and a literal nightmare. He enters your dream while you sleep and uses his embarrassingly out-of-style gloves to slice you up into bloody lil’ pieces. He really does it with no mercy, too; he slices you at his own pace. The more you scream, the slower he’ll go. Freddy Krueger shows no remorse, and dying by his hand would be extremely painful.

🎃/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 1/5: I don’t want to die in the midwest.

Beetlejuice

Look, I found proof the Beetlejuice fucks.

Dying in the Beetlejuice universe means one thing for sure: you can still have sex after you die. It’s already been well established that Beetlejuice fucks. So, Beetlejuice has a major advantage over other entries on this list. Imagine how cool post-death sex is. Post-rigormortis coitus. Death-tual intercourse. Afterlife delight. Sexecution. Assacres. Deceased in the crease. Passing away the gravy (apparently “passing the gravy” is a euphemism for sex). Getting laid to rest. Also, you get to make your face contort in a bunch of different spooky ways.

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 5/5: Now that’s what I call a release!

The Haunted Mansion (movie, not the ride)

I couldn’t find any pictures from the movie. That’s a lie. I lied. I just wanted to use this picture of Eddie Murphy from Delirious.

In The Haunted Mansion, Eddie Murphy plays the lead role of Jim Evers, a realtor who is trying to sell a mansion that — SPOILER ALERT — is haunted. Due to the fact that Eddie Murphy is Jim Evers in this universe, that means Eddie Murphy doesn’t exist. Think of all the content we miss out on without Eddie Murphy. Are you a fan of Buckwheat? Well, if you die in the Haunted Mansion, Buckwheat doesn’t exist. If you were killed in the Haunted Mansion, red leather tracksuits wouldn’t be nearly as prominent. Dying in the Haunted Mansion means no Norbit! Dying in the universe of The Haunted Mansion means you die in a universe with no traces of Eddie Murphy whatsoever.

🎃🎃🎃🎃/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 4/5: No Norbit.

Friday The 13th

Jason is listed at 6'3", which is much shorter than I expected.

The workweek can be unforgiving. From the sluggish commitments that Monday brings to the unsatisfying payoffs of Thursday, it always seems as if there’s no release from the week. Luckily for us, Fridays exist. Fridays send us into the weekend with hope and excitement. It’s a day that showcases that you made it through another week successfully. It’s a genuinely fun milestone we all look forward to every week. However, Jason Voorhees also looks forward to Fridays for a different reason: Jason Voorhees wants to kill people. Let’s face it: dying on a Friday would be the worst possible to day to die on. If the movie was called Sunday the 13th, I would be way more game to let Jason chop me up. Dying on a Friday means that all the work you put in over this past week meant nothing, and you don’t even get to experience the release that the weekend brings.

But I mean, I guess you experience the permanent release that death brings. Also, you don’t have to deal with anymore Mondays ever again because you’re dead. So maybe it’s not all that bad. Maybe Jason is actually trying to help us escape from our routine. You know what? Jason actually isn’t all that bad.

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 5/5: No more workweeks. Thanks, Jason!

The Haunted Mansion (ride, not the movie)

Disney World puts in so much effort, just to get perfectly exploited by me. I’m embarrassed for them.

While I was researching (yes, I actually researched) for this entry, I was trying to find instances of people dying at Disney World. Believe it or not, not many people have died at Disney World, which means there’s no real precedent for dying at Disney World. I don’t know the numbers, but I’d bet if you died inside of The Haunted Mansion at Disney World, you would probably get a lot of money. The only problem is you wouldn’t get the money because you’d be dead. So here’s what I propose:

Buy a half-gallon of fake blood. I just Googled the cost of a half-gallon container of fake blood. It’s $19.99. So before you start at all, you will need at least $19.99, but your return on investment will be huge. You’ll also need two friends. Once you have the fake blood and the friends, head to The Haunted Mansion. If the employees ask about the fake blood, just tell them it’s real blood because you have low blood pressure. If they take it from you, file a lawsuit and then boom: you’re a millionaire.

If they let you take the blood in, there’s still a plan. Don’t worry. Have one of your friends grab the sword off of a nearby knight statue. I’ve never been to The Haunted Mansion, but I’m sure those statues exist inside. Anyhow, your friend has to stab you with the sword. It doesn’t have to be a deep stab, but it will be more convincing for the security cameras if you get pierced. Upon being stabbed, fall to the ground and play dead. Then, have the friend that stabbed you pour the fake blood into their hands and smear it on all of the camera lenses. Once the cameras are blinded, get up and run away. While you run away, the second friend should head to tell an employee about your “death.” They need to tell them that you were stabbed and then chopped up into tiny pieces that are too small for the naked eye, which will perfectly explain your disappearance. Then, your family files a lawsuit against the friend who “murdered” you and against Disney World for providing the murder weapon. You start a new life with a new identity. Pick something unassuming like a realtor named Jim Evers or something. It will work perfectly.

🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 5/5: If you have friends that are willing to go to prison to help you out, this is a perfect place to die in.

Begotten

I really don’t get it.

No.

/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 0/5: No.

Young Sheldon

I don’t trust that bowtie.

Before you say anything: yes, I know Young Sheldon is a television show and not a movie. But that doesn’t make him any less scary. Young Sheldon is a wildcard. He is highly intelligent, which means he’s highly capable as well. While we know he is highly capable, we’re not quite sure what’s capable of. I, for one, do not want to find out. Existing in the same universe as Young Sheldon is terrifying enough, but once he gets his hands on you, there’s no telling what could happen.

🎃🎃🎃/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 3/5: Big Bang Theory doesn’t exist in the Young Sheldon universe, so it’s not all bad.

Scooby Doo (2002)

Not pictured: Sugar Ray.

Yeah, whatever. Talking dogs. Scrappy Doo. There’s plenty of bits I could do here. But fuck those.

There is a scene in Scooby Doo where Daphne is walking through a pool party in the year 2002, and there’s a band playing adjacent to the pool. Since it’s a pool party in 2002, that band is obviously Sugar Ray. The lead singer of Sugar Ray, Mark Mcgrath, sees Daphne and hops down to sing to her because he’s Mark Mcgrath and that’s something Mark Mcgrath would do. Daphne is obviously swooned by Mark’s frosted tips and muscle shirt, but then the weirdest fucking thing happens that I still don’t understand: Mark Mcgrath’s eyes turn green and his voice gets this weird, deep distortion. This insinuates that Mark Mcgrath is evil. Daphne then runs away, and Mark turns to the bassist (whose name I do not know), and the bassist gives a look as if to say “What’s her problem?”

So this brings up a couple of questions. Firstly: what? Secondly: why? Third: who wrote Sugar Ray into a Scooby Doo movie and then decided that they were going to be evil, too? It’s never addressed after that. Sugar Ray isn’t in the movie again. In case you were wondering, yes the scene is on YouTube. And yes, you should watch it because it is one of the strangest goddamn scenes I’ve ever seen:

🎃🎃🎃🎃/🎃🎃🎃🎃🎃 4/5: If I lived in a universe where Sugar Ray was evil, I would WANT to die.