Tupac is Alive, but I Just Hit Him with My Car and He’s Fading Fast

Oh. Oh no. Oh my God. What have I done? He came out of nowhere. I didn’t see him at all. I just heard him. It sounded like a deer — I thought it was a deer. But it’s not a deer. It’s not an animal at all. It’s Grammy-nominated rapper, Tupac Shakur.

I thought he was dead, both in 1996 and right now when I hit him with my car. But he’s still moving. He’s still breathing, but he’s unresponsive. I just asked him, “Are you two-time Soul Train Music Award-winner, Tupac Shakur?” and got no answer at all. But if people thought I had been dead for twenty-two years, I probably wouldn’t answer that question either.

I don’t know what to do; I’m just in shock. I’ve tried everything: I Googled pictures of Tupac Shakur, read up on conspiracy theories about him being alive, and even used an aging program to see what Tupac would look like twenty-two years after his supposed “death.” It’s practically a perfect match to the man with shards of glass lodged in his back from crashing into my windshield.

I can’t help but wonder where he has been this whole time. There are so many gaps to fill in between leading us to believe he was shot to death in Suge Knight’s BMW 750iL in 1996 and suffering from internal bleeding after leaving a Tupac-sized dent on the hood of my car. Perhaps he has been in Malaysia, like Suge Knight’s son insisted. Maybe he was right under our noses, living in the U.S. the whole time. I don’t know for sure. All I know for sure is that he is now lying at the base of my car and in desperate need of medical assistance.

UPDATE (10:23 PM) The ambulance just arrived. One of the paramedics asked me, “Is that Tupac Shakur?” I responded with “Yes,” then the other paramedic asked us who Tupac Shakur was. As Tupac began to turn white, we explained that Tupac was a highly influential and loved rapper from the 90’s that we believed had died in 1996. The other paramedic then said, “Yeah, I think I know the one. It seems like he lost a lot of weight.” We then realized he was thinking of The Notorious B.I.G. and we explained the difference between them.

UPDATE (10:40 PM) The police just arrived. Tupac is still lying there though because the paramedics “wanted to make sure the cops saw this, too.” They were visibly shaken by seeing him. I asked them about possible charges against me, though they said they would personally pardon me for my act of service in proving Tupac was still alive. They took selfies with him as he lied there.

UPDATE (11:02 PM) Suge Knight just got here. I don’t know why he’s here or what he wants, but he’s just staring at me. This might be the last update on this story.